heading back to the motherland

So, im going to China, first time in 3 years.

I somehow feel reluctant to leave, even though i know its only for a short 2 weeks, and i will be back before i know it. I think i'm just too caught up in this whole whirlwind of things and happenings and all things that I want to do. In some ways, this trip would be a good chance to get away from it all.

Come to think of it, the past 3 years have been really quite selfish. Even though i was serving the nation, getting it down and dirty with other guys out in the field. I do feel much of it is done in and for self-gratification. Don't know why...

It felt as if everything I've done for me, me, and more about myself...
Ironic as it seems, that when you base everything around yourself, what you are really doing is to push who you really are away. You do things for yourself but without knowing the reason why. You live your life just to please yourself. At the end of it all, you feel that whatever you've done and achieved trivial, contradictory, meaningless. These days i don't know who i am anymore.

I need some direction. I need some space to know myself.

When stop to look around, everything somehow seems blur, moving, changing. Everything is in flux and I can't help but feel the same way about myself.
Blurred, furry imaged, unclear, lost. I am at a stage of my life where I am presented with many enticing opportunities to sample, to commit, and some look better than others. I really need to slow things down, steady myself before plunging into something that i will regret in the future. However, the reverse is also true. If I don't consider properly, and i pass up a chance for something that might never come again, that is so good, and i will regret for the rest of my life.

I need some direction, i need some time to think and reflect.

2008 has been a good year. Knowing God, holidays, new perspectives, renewed passions, YOU:) and a whole lot more.
But standing at this massive junction in this maze of life is daunting. Whats more, choosing the right path requires much more than what human eyes can see.


Dear Lord,
Open my eyes to what you have planned for me ahead.
Help me to understand what it truly means to live for you.
Teach me how to be more like you.
Amen.